Rules for Living on the Nemesis
by the Tormentor
Summary: Hi, I'm Samantha, or Sammy for short. So you think you got's what it takes to survive the Nemesis, do you? Well, I'm here to show you some basic rules to survive the Decepticon warship, and hopefully you wont get squished.
1. Chapter 1

**Rules for Living on the Nemesis**

**By The Tormentor**

**1) Lord Megatron does not appreciate herself being called anything but "Lord Megatron".**

(Seriously, it took us nearly a year to figure out that we'd been getting harsher punishments just for this reason)

(Ethan was the first to crack the "Lord" comment, and got a whole week off)

(And the rest of us? We got to clean the Rec-room. FUN!)

(The sarcasm was evident)

(The "fun" was not)

**2) Starscream's trine don't interface with themselves.**

(Good ole gay jokes. Love 'em)

(We started mocking how close the Trine were and how they liked to snuggle together in their berths)

(Starscream instantly got the message and promptly flipped out, screaming how the "human brats get away with too much" and how he'll get us one day)

(Thundercracker just rolled his optics while Skywarp giggled incessantly)

(Megatron was chuckling too hard to interfere)

**3) Dead End's finish is off limits to anyone.**

(Zoey is exempt)

(Seriously. The mech throws a tantrum if we so much as breathe near his chrome)

(Knockout might be extremely protective of his paintjob, but with Dead End its just plain scary)

(Apparently he wants to look his best before the "inevitable" as "we are all doomed to die")

(Drama queen)

**4) Bridgette is the boss. No exceptions.**

(There was a time when nobody would listen to her, back when we first got on the ship as forms of "disciplinary punishment" for the Stunticons)

(We would just slack off or do stupid crap to the troops, not even caring that our lives were now tied to the Decepticons forever)

(Every time Bridgette tried to get us on a mission we'd make up excuses or hide away)

(Bridgette's final straw came when Holly decided that she wanted to lead and tried to get Bridgette off the Nemesis)

(Big mistake)

(With vehement calmness, Bridgette socked Holly straight in the mouth and KO'ed her, then threw her unconscious form in front of us saying; "I AM YOUR LEADER, AND YOU WILL OBEY ME STARTING _**NOW!**_")

(Fearing for our very lives, we all complied)

(Haven't disobeyed her since)

**5) Soundwave's deployers are not his children.**

(No matter how much we want to believe it, the four symbiotes are not his creations)

(Frenzy and Rumble lived in a Minicon village back before the war on Luna 1. When their village was destroyed, they were rescued by Soundwave and became his most trusted troops)

(Ravage lived in the slums most of her life before being found by Soundwave. The two instantly became friends and Ravage became one of his first deployers)

(Laserbeak is Soundwave's oldest compatriot, as they were friends far before the war when Soundwave worked for some Senator on Cybertron)

(They all get really mad when we ask them this)

(They respect Soundwave too much to say anything about this other than threats of deactivation at us via pulse rifles and pile drivers if we ever mention it)

**6) Sixshot does not need your help to relieve his boredom.**

(How can you be bored when you're invincible?)

(They guy whines about there's no real challenge here on Earth and how his warrior pride is injured from all this inactivity)

(Boo hoo)

(So out of sheer kindness (and having enough of his whining) I, Owen and Sheldon built this gigantic version of Optimus Prime out of random parts in storage)

(After five hours of work, we showed to Sixshot, saying how it'll lessen his boredom)

(Sixshot took a half-second look at it)

(And then vaporized it with a single shot from one of his cannons)

(And then stomped off)

(Not even a thank you for effort)

(Asswipe…)

**7) If you need anything regarding stealth, talk to Fearswoop.**

(The guy's extremely good at staying invisible to Autobot scanners)

(How good? He's freaking BRIGHT NEON YELLOW and still can't be seen)

(Too bad his attitude could use some stealth)

(And a smack to the face)

**8) Don't ever piss off Overlord.**

(We were playing truth or dare with some of the drones when one of them got the brilliantly evil idea)

(I think it was either ST-3V3 or ST-311A)

(Despite having the most feared reputation on the ship, Overlord is a pretty calm guy. He gets a little on edge with Megatron, but other than that he's soft-spoken and collected for a Decepticon)

(I think it was Steve who dared Eddie to "annoy Overlord to the brink of fade-out")

(We all thought that this would be the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas, being as though Overlord single-handedly killed an entire planet full of Autobots.)

(But being the all-intelligent being that he is, Eddie accepted)

(I don't know how he did it, or what he used to do it, but fifteen minutes later we all hear a deafening crash from somewhere on the Nemesis)

(What followed that was the most blood-curdling roar of pure rage I have ever heard)

(Eddie ran faster than an Olympic sprinter as the enraged Overlord chased behind him, threatening to kill the boy by, um, incredibly graphic means with a power drill, a car battery, and Eddie's nervous system)

(When we finally got Overlord to calm down and the whole situation evaporated, Eddie got three weeks in the brig and Overlord stalked off vowing revenge)

(We all learned a lesson that day)

(Totally beats getting finger drills to the face, though)

**9) "Gestalt Wrestling" is a horrible idea.**

(It began as most rules originate from: a fight)

(Eddie and Samantha were at each other's necks debating who the better gestalt, Bruticus or Menasor wasat fighting)

(Unfortunately, both Onslaught and Motormaster heard this and got into an argument themselves)

(Finally deciding that words weren't good enough, both Combaticons and Stunticons walked on top of the _Nemesis_, combined into their gestalt forms, and started WRESTLING)

(It was like something out of WWE, but with hundred-foot metal monsters bellowing "MENASOR CRUSH!" and "BRUTICUS KILL MENASOR!")

(The whole ship felt like it was going to capsize)

(We were cheering on our respective teams before Turmoil trudged in the middle of the brawl and started shooting them to calm down)

(Think about smacking a bee hive with a hockey stick)

(That's what Turmoil did)

(The gestalts went hysterical and started throwing plates and pieces of the warship around, while the rest of us were either yelling at each other or evacuating the ship itself)

(After five hours of shooting, screaming and all-around chaos, we finally got them to stop)

(We got chewed out by both Megatron, Turmoil and even _Soundwave_)

(Both teams were sentenced to repair the entire ship while the rest of us were sent to the brig)

(So not worth it)

**10) Flatline and Knockout need their recharge**

(As the CMO's of the _Nemesis_, they have to deal with a lot of stuff that goes on)

(Drone repairs, system updates, medical exams and the dreaded checkup)

(There's nothing worse in the universe than getting a checkup from a mech who failed out of a medical school for "grotesque experiments", or that's what Knockout told me)

(Anyway, me, Ethan and Holly were doing a mission in the Amazon)

(Hated it so much)

(One reason)

(BUGS)

(Gigantic flying killer bugs that would love to dine on my supple flesh and blood)

(While we were scouting for an energon deposit, Holly got cut up from a thorn-covered vine and freaked)

(Ethan just laughed and said how her face was already cut and how she shouldn't worry about getting more)

(Holly threw a fit and pushed Ethan)

(Right into a pit of quicksand)

(Now I was already calling the warship as Holly tried to rescue Ethan from a muck-smothered death)

(When we got back, Ethan was head-to-toe in mud, I had insects in my hair and Holly was gushing blood from her face)

(We were rushed to the med-bay and the drones had to wake up Flatline and Knockout from their naps for our health)

(They took one look at us and retreated back to their berths)

(It was only threats of crushing death from Motormaster that we got the two prissy medics to check up on us)

(The only thing that came out of their mouths while we were being healed were grumbles of "should have just left them there" and "stupid kids")

(Thanks guys)

Whoop de do, my first rules book. Should I do more?

Fan-made characters belong to their respective owners.

TRANSFORMERS BELONG TO HASBRO.


	2. Chapter 2

**Nemesis Rules Part II**

**11. Ethan's expertise in video games is not to be questioned, but challenged**

(So one day Ethan and I were caught by the Autobots after we botched an energon run)

(Not our fault that the welder decided to spaz out and send a bolt of lightning into the energon vein!)

(We were both bored as hell until Miko came up with an idea)

(Apparently she'd heard of our medic's great skill in the gaming industry and wanted to beat him, thinking that she could prove to be better than the human 'Cons)

(If we did, she'd let us go)

(Mistake #1)

(Anyway, we set up Guitar Hero in the main room with everyone watching as she and he started it up)

(I think Miko got over confident and asked Ethan to choose the song)

(Mistake #2)

(Ethan chose 'Anywhere in the Galaxy', by Gamma Ray with renowned vigor, as Gamma Ray is his all-time favorite band ever and knew that the song was extremely difficult)

(Too bad he didn't realize that Miko was also a Gamma Ray fan)

(We all watched in numb shock as the two completely rocked it out with head-banging, soul-tearing heavy metal action. The Wreckers started rocking out too and we were probably going to win and go home were it not for Prowl barging in)

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ATROCIOUS NOISE!?"

(Ethan, completely startled by this, flipped out and lost all his points and was crushed by Miko, who never looked more proud)

(Ethan gave no rebuttal as he cried his way back to the brig, held in Prowl's fingers)

"I LOST! I LOST TO A **GIRL!**"

**12. Don't antagonize Sprawl**

(Out of all the 'Cons on the _Nemesis, _there is no one that is more respected than Sprawl)

(He's sixty feet of true Decepticon power, and is loaded with every weapon you can think of)

(Plus he's the oldest dude on the entire ship, telling his stories that none of us were even alive back then, even Megatron and Shockwave weren't around in nearly all of his stories)

(Also, he actually cares about the Decepticons under his command, unlike a certain tyrannical femme that I will not mention *coughMEGATRONcough*)

(Basically not the kind of mech you want on your bad side)

(He was telling one of his stories to a huge audience after we secured a huge energon vein, and of course someone had to interrupt him)

(Starscream)

"Do we REALLY need to listen to your pointless episodes? I mean, your stories all have the same ending, where one mech is the greatest hero of them all, either Jhiaxus or Nova Prime and then you boringly monologue about how inspirational they were to you."

(Sprawl just stared at him, and this was during the climax of his story, so everyone was hearing him out)

(We were all on edge to hear the next part)

(He looked back at us)

(And left)

(We all sat there for about three minutes before we realized he wasn't coming back)

**13. No one is to question Megatron's gender**

(Not only does she get really mad, but also all of the female crew who get insulted at our unbelievable eyes and optics)

(Even the Autobots are having trouble digesting this info that Megatron is a femme)

(It's so annoying! So what if she's a chick?)

(Apparently, the person who cares the most just so happens to be none other than Optimus Prime himself)

(For the first couple battles, Snare told me that Optimus would refuse to fight Megatron solely because of her frame and how the enemy he considers his sister is truly a beautiful girl)

(So the great Prime is a sexist, awesome)

"I will not harm you in danger of damaging your frame, Megatron, for someone as beautiful as you should not be thrust into war."

(I think Optimus was trying to get her to stop fighting and end the war on a happy note, but Megatron thought that he was hitting on her)

(Which did not go well)

"HOW **DARE **YOU NOT CHALLENGE YOUR ETERNAL ENEMY!? YOU HAVE NO PROBLEM SENDING THAT _ARROGANT SLATTERN _ELITA ONE OUT TO TAKE YOUR BATTLES!"

(The entire battle went dead quiet as everyone registered what Megatron said to the Big O)

(When the Prime's girlfriend gets insulted, you know something bad is gonna go down)

(Megatron got the beating of a lifetime and was forced to retreat, her feminine pride deflated like a dead balloon)

**154. No scary games**

(Yeah Ethan, I'm looking at you)

(Seriously, who thinks "I'm going to play Outlast at 3am" on a Tuesday morning?)

(Apparently he does, because we all woke up to the sounds of chilling screams in the middle of the Nemesis, right were his room was)

"AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

(Half of us heard it, while the rest of us were zonkered out)

(Wildrider, being the overprotective guardian she is, took flight and went to check it out)

(Several minutes later she returned with the nastiest scowl on her face)

(Turns out Ethan was playing Outlast and got scared at one part so badly he screamed like a little girl)

(She told me that Ethan was cowering in his chair, face buried in his hands from the screen)

(We all wanted to give him a "little scare" after our naps were interrupted)

**15. For the last fricking time, DON'T MESS AROUND IN THE ARMORY**

(It's like Patrick from that Spongebob episode where he touches things and says; "Touch" while doing that and that cop follows him around)

(Have that in your head?)

(Yeah, that's Eddie for you)

(Poor kid's too stupid for his own health)

(The armory is where Brawl loves to hang out and make slag-tons of new weapons from old parts)

(Made me a pocket rocket launcher, cute and deadly)

(Eddie, however, loves to tinker with Brawl's guns as a form of "pranking")

(What was probably meant to be something harmless turned into a disaster when his stupid prank made the ENTIRE armory explode, taking out a huge chunk of the Nemesis and nearly causing the ship to crash)

(What happened was the Eddie decided to clog up a rocket launcher Brawl made with glue, and when the Combaticon fired the whole place went to bits)

(I'll never forget the look on Megatron's face)

(#2spooky4me)

**16. Don't pester Shockwave**

(Why in the world would anyone pester the one mech that Megatron herself is feared of?)

(Oh yeah, because we're just some dumb kids that have nothing better to do than annoy the mad scientist and interrupt his important work)

(I swore I saw his little head fins drop as he heard us enter his laboratory)

"Hi Shockwave!"

"Whaddya makin'?"

"Is that a goo gun?"

"Can we play with it?"

"Is it true you got your butt whooped by a robot dinosaur?"

"Can you build me a better arm?"

(After an hour of hogging his personal space and asking him pointless questions, I guess we finally cracked the Cyclops)

(He grabbed all of us in his only hand, dropped us in a giant jar on the other side of his lab and placed a cap on top)

(Thankfully the jar had holes in the top so we could breathe)

(He went right back to work, but not before brandishing what looked like a giant needle with some sort of acid dripping from the tip)

(I think Shockwave likes it when we flinch from him)

**17. In contrast to Rule #15, Amnesia is banned**

(Yet again, courtesy of Ethan and his girly mouth)

(We all know that the game itself is terrifying, but how Ethan plays it makes the whole experience seem a little too scary)

(No lights, all dark, at midnight, with nothing but the sounds of growling monsters and creaking floorboards in his headset)

(Turns out Soundwave had a sense of humor and set up a hidden camera right above Ethan's computer and tapped it into the rec-room's giant screen above the energon dispensers, so when we grabbed a bite to eat or a drink we got to watch Ethan piss his pants)

(I didn't know what was funnier; the stuff he says when he's scared or the faces he makes)

"OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT?"

"OH SHIT, I'M SO SCARED!"

"RUN, YOU FAT FUCK RUN!"

"BWAAAAGH! **SCARY CTHULU RAPE MONSTER!**"

(When he screams, he looks like he'd just been kicked in the balls or had painful diarrhea)

(His crazy reactions were causing a whole mess in the rec-room as everyone was drowning in their laughter, honking and snorting and wheezing at the same time)

(Then came ball-buster Starscream, who demanded that the screen be dismantled and told the rest of us to get back to work)

(He also went to Ethan's room and told him to get rid of the game forever)

(You should have seen Ethan's face when I and Turmoil told him about last night, absolutely priceless)

**18. Shockwave is not allowed to watch any form of entertainment**

(Shockwave has no sense of humor)

(ALL)

(Every time the kids and the drones are in the rec-room either playing videogames or just watching a movie, the damn Cyclops has to come in and be a nagger)

(He hates it when things are highly "illogical" and "tiring" for his brain module)

(Basically all cartoons give him headaches, and he isn't afraid to voice his opinions)

"Canines cannot physically talk, it is impossible, even for me."

"Humans cannot bend that way, as it would result in instant death."

"How does a human child have the resources to build that large of a laboratory?"

(By the time he had left to finish his work, all of us were silently praying for Grimlock to make a return)

**19. No sexist jokes, EVER**

(Half the Nemesis is comprised of females, some of which are more dangerous than others)

(Megatron, Airachnid, Sideways, Wildrider, Ravage, some of the drones, six of the humans and all the Insecticons are female)

(Some would argue for Starscream, but that's another story)

(Unfortunately, some of us love to tempt certain death)

(I can name four of them)

(Two of their names start with E)

(The other two are mistaken with their red and blue color schemes)

(The four idiots just love to push buttons on the warship and are not afraid to take it to the next level of annoyingly absurd)

(The last straw came when they hacked into the intercom and started broadcasting what they call jokes, we call "reasons to shoot people")

"Hey Frenzy!"

"Yeah?"

"Why can't Helen Keller drive?"

"I dunno Eddie, WHY?"

"Cuz she's a woman!"

(Half an hour later, they were still going at it)

"Yo, Ethan."

"Yeah?"

"Why don't women need watches?"

"Why is that, Rumble?"

"'Cuz there's a clock on the oven!"

(Two hours)

(It went on for two hours before someone finally snapped)

(Guess who it was)

"SOUNDWAVE! FIND THOSE FOUR IDIOTS!"

(Oh, and a bonus part; Soundwave couldn't find them. They had some sort of cloaking device on, which disabled the spymaster to ground-bridge a beating on them)

(While Soundwave tried to disable the cloak, the rest of us girls searched for them)

(My bad, I said searched)

(I meant hunted down and erased from existence)

(Meanwhile, I guess they knew that the entire female crew was hunting them, and started to get even MORE annoying)

"LOL you mad, bra?"

"Thar' be a bee in your bonnet?"

"Got a bolt loose in your cooze?"

(Finally, after what seemed like eons of searching, we found them)

(At the very top of the Nemesis)

(When we finally got the little twerps from their nest, Megatron demanded a full apology from the deployer twins and two boys were to write a hundred page paper on why they should not annoy their lord and master, plus four months of cleaning duty)

(We waited for them outside the bridge)

(EVERY. SINGLE. FEMALE.)

(To this day, their looks of terror at the huge mob of scorned girls were so worth it)

**20. Only certain people can pet Ravage**

(Megatron can pet her)

(Soundwave, Turmoil and Knockout can)

(The rest of us have to deal with the kitty-con either trying to scratch us or use her rocket pods)

(When the Combaticons came on board, we all knew that Ravage was going to like none of them)

(Brawl's too loud, Onslaught's too stiff, Blast Off is a stick-in-the-mud, Vortex is a sadist and Swindle would probably sell her to the Nebulans)

(They didn't count that Sandra, Blast Off's ward, would have an effect for the cat)

(Ravage tried to seem tough in front of the timid albino, but seeing how Sandra was already a frightened little girl, Ravage took an alternative and tried being friendly with the girl)

(It succeeded as soon as Sandra rubbed her hand on Ravage's nose)

(Sandra and Ravage almost instantly became friends, along with Sandra being a huge suck-up for animals)

(We found them next to each other in the rec-room, Ravage purring while Sandra itched a part behind her ear that would be inaccessible for the cat)

Part 2 done!

TRANSFORMERS BELONG TO HASBRO

ALL CREATED CHARACTERS BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS


End file.
